This weeks post is a little out of the ordinary. The topic this week is mental health, something I am very familiar with and struggle with daily. However, sat here writing this I feel positive. I’m in Dubai, working and exploring on my days off so life at the moment is great. Unfortunately, life can’t always be like that and earlier this year my old friend anxiety made it’s way back into my life. Today I’ve decided to share a letter I wrote to my family, to help them understand how I was feeling and to help me too. If you hadn’t already noticed I find writing therapeutic.
Before I do share this letter with you, I would like to point out that this is not for sympathy nor attention as some people may think. I am sharing this in hopes that if anyone feels the way I did, that they talk to someone, maybe write about it or get the help they need. Life can be lonely, and I never want people to feel that way. My inbox is always open to anyone.
To those it may concern,
I feel alone. In a room full of people, I feel alone. It’s confusing to feel that way, when you’re surrounded by family and friends but still feel a dark cloud and a weight on my chest. A weight that pushes so hard, I feel I can’t breathe sometimes. It’s suffocating. I have nothing to worry about but I still feel so down, I’m confused by it all. It’s not fair. For someone so confident, I feel like I’ve lost my way and I’m not myself. Having the change of moods is exhausting. A few years ago I felt like this, whilst living with my Dad, you feel trapped and you can’t get out of it. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m tired of feeling poorly, I’m tired of being exhausted and tired of putting on a brave face when all I want to do is stay in the dark, under the covers, away from life. Yet on the other hand, I don’t want to keep feeling so lonely. There’s only so much people can say, or can do to help. Mindfulness has been hard to do, when I can’t even concentrate on something for more than thirty seconds. I have no interest in anything, I can’t even keep the attention to watch an episode on Netflix. I can’t sleep at night, for me that is the worst part. Irrational thoughts are possessing my mind. Thought’s that I don’t need to worry about but do every day. When employed, I couldn’t sleep due to making lists and having to worry about what I had to do the next day, now I shouldn’t have to worry but I do. Worrying is so tiring, I’m fed up of it but that’s who I am as a person. I know that and I doubt I can change. I care too much about everything. Like a post I shared on face book, I feel things intensely. When I’m happy, I’m hyper, smiling and laughing doing what I do best. Trying to entertain the troops with my sarcasm and witty comments but lately, I’ve lost that. It’s such a shame. I am stuck in thinking I’m going to be like this for the foreseeable future.
Whoever reads this, I’m not suicidal. I am far from that. Of course, I’ve thought about it. Hasn’t everyone? At some point in life, I’m sure everyone thinks about what life would be like without them. What would happen if I wasn’t here anymore? I could be out of the misery and not worry. Not worry about everything. Yet, I wouldn’t do that to my family. Never. I’m too much of a coward to ever consider it.
This is a release of feelings. Everything I am feeling, I just need to put it down. Maybe this will help me. It’s so hard because I’m considered to be a drama Queen and I’d be the first to admit that that is true but this is not for attention. I wish it was because then it wouldn’t be real. This wouldn’t be happening to me. I always think I’m a strong person yet this is proving otherwise. I’m not. I’m a quitter, a flake, a let down to everyone. At least I can admit it. Lots of people experience Anxiety and Depression, I’m sure they feel the same way as me, it’s not easy. I have no motivation to do anything except what I have too.
Quitting my job seemed like a good idea and it was in hindsight. I don’t have to worry as much yet I still feel down. The pressure of having to look for something else is just as bad. I want to work, I don’t want to let anxiety ruin my life because it’s making me hate it. Looking for employment in places you know it’s going to make the anxiety worse is ridiculous but we do what we have too to make ends meet. It’s a horrible cycle of negativity that I’m fed up of.
The only thing that seems to be keeping me going is my Grandma. Knowing I can see her in the week whenever I need her is the most comforting thing. She is an angel, and I need her more than she’ll ever know. The positive impact she’s had on my life is amazing, she’s looked after me since I was born and the relationship we have is so special. She’s my best friend. I’d be lost without her. She has the ability to love me and listen to my issues without judging. Always trying to find ways to help, but this time, she can’t. That’s what breaks my heart.
It’s so easy for people who have never experienced this illness to judge you. To think you’re lazy (In some respects I am), to give you quotes on positivity, to say “pull yourself together” or “you’re so young, you shouldn’t be worrying”. It does not matter about your age, race or gender. Anxiety does not discriminate and eats you alive. I’ve tried focussing on the positives in my life, there are so many considering I have friends and family who listen, a roof over my head, food and clothes on my back. Yet all of this doesn’t seem to be enough to pull me out of this funk I am in. I am trying. I am trying so hard to ignore all the negativity in my head.
I’ve beat this once. Hopefully, I’ll beat it again.
You got this Abs XO
Wow. That was deep, but you know what…look at me now. I’m in Dubai working and smashing life. I’d of never thought I’d of gotten here when I wrote this back in early Feb. At the time of writing that I was unemployed because I had to quit the job I was in due to ill mental health. Going into work every day, I would feel panicky and anxious. The reason was partly the companies fault but also anxiety in general. Right now, I am incredibly happy to report that I am feeling good and I’m employed! Of course, I feel anxious from time to time…especially flying!! but I feel like I have the correct tools to deal with it now. When I do feel like that it tends to take all of my energy and I like to just relax or even sit and write.
So, the point of this. To those who are anxious, depressed or lonely, I know it is a cliche but you are not alone and things do get better. Your life will be a rollercoaster of emotion because these things don’t just go away forever, they do return and that’s the scary part. Especially when they are illnesses you cannot see. It’s not like a scratch you can put a plaster over, it’s something you have to deal with and not let it ruin your life. You are worthy of a life just like everyone else. Reach out if you’re struggling.
Here are some links that I found helpful;
Please do bare in mind these are UK help websites.
Finally, before I end the post there I would just like to give a special shout out to my Lady Maureen (My Grandma for those who do not know) she’s an absolute super star and I’d never be able to do anything as good without her. She is both Adam and I’s biggest supporter and we can speak to her about anything, she is the love of my life. I can’t wait to see her when I’m home.
If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate every single person who reads the blog.
Love to you all, especially those who need it the most.