Here we are, back to square one. Only this time, the anxiety has faded and the voices of not being good enough have returned. I’ve sort of come to terms with the fact that this is me set for life, the amazing ups and the unbearable lows. That’s just how I’m supposed to live life right? I’ve not formally been diagnosed with depression but I have with anxiety. Let’s go back to the start.
Earlier this year, I was anxious. Constantly anxious. It got so bad that I had to quit my extremely stressful and pressured job, had two panic attacks in Victoria Station and vomitted on the train platform. The best decision I made was to quit my office job, a job where they said they offered support to those who suffered with mental illness. LOL. That was a joke. Anyway, I quit and it was the right decision to make. I’d been given medication from the doctor, Fluoxetine to be exact. I was instructed to take them once a day and surely ended up having to take two a day just to live my life without feeling the need to be sick when in uncertain surroundings. The thing is my house was my safe zone, but I noticed that I began to feel ill in my own home. I was no longer safe. The tablets had awful side effects for me (they’re different for everyone), I couldn’t sleep and I lost my appetite and as a result looked the best I had done body wise. However, I was unhappy. I was offered counselling and figured it was a waste of time with the six month plus waiting list. I managed to get myself out of this mind set, I have no idea how but the opportunitity of working for a Dubai based events company came about and literally stopped me moping about.
So as I said to begin with, I’m back to square one however not with anxiety, it’s more of an unwavering sadness. Just weight on my shoulders, and feeling heavy with myself. My self worth is at an all time low, I won’t lie, it’s awful and disgusting the way I think of myself. I’ve never felt like this before about myself, people who know me will find it odd. I’m usually the most confident, and bubbly person, full of wit and cracking people up with my beltin’ banter but for some reason it’s fading. I always pride myself on having quite thick skin too but recently, every single thing is hurting me. If someone says “You’ve got a spot on your face” I will literally cry. When did I become such a snow flake? Ah, that’s right. I’ll tell you when I did. About a few months ago when I put up with someone constantly putting me down, I didn’t realise this at first but it happened. As a result, I’m much more fragile. By thinking the worst of myself because of what others have previously said I am damaging myself by looking for happiness out of desperation.
You know how people say, “It won’t always be like this.” – Myself included, I no longer believe that. I feel like it’s drilled into my brain that this is how I am and how I’m supposed to live life. After a few meltdowns this week (Not just a little cry, I mean serious pouring my heart out until it hurt my chest, trying to keep quiet as not to alert anyone crying) I had an epiphany. (Side note: is that the right word? Epiphany? Lol, sounds like Kim’s baby from Kath & Kim. Shout out to the Day-Knight family who keep me laughing.) The eureka moment came from browsing Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. That’s right, shes on every dating sight possible and I’ll tell you for why now. I’d been on these apps to find happiness, I’d talk to someone lovely for a week or so and then become ‘bored’ ultimately wasting this persons time. Awful, I know but I wouldn’t have been able to stop this without my epiphany. I realised that I had been so desperate to be happy that I was looking for it in all the wrong places, I had to look at myself before looking to make anyone else happy.
Happiness starts within myself and I’m hoping to find it. Counselling is set up for me, to help with previous events that have triggered this self loathing I have at the moment. I’m hoping this is just a phase however I’m not sure, this chemical imbalance is a lot and it’s hard to cope with. In fact, I’m crying now LOL. Of course I am. I’m a bag of shitty emotions. I feel so silly talking about this as I know every one has up’s and downs, like what makes mine any different to anyone elses? There are people out their dying and I have a life. I’d tell myself to suck it up but I can’t. I try and I can’t. It’s one of the hardest things in my life I have had to cope with and will forever have to cope with.
Blogging really helps me process my feelings, whether anyone reads this or not, I don’t actually mind. It’s helping me cope with the weight and I’m sure other people feel like this too. I struggle majorly with staying positive however I have put the right steps forward in order to help myself. I’m really lucky to have a support system in my friends and family too, some others don’t have that. I am grateful. For those who don’t have this, I’m always available to talk. I know how it feels and how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning when you feel like there is no point. Please do not keep the feelings in, I tried that and it hurts more.
I am so desperate to find happiness and to feel myself again. I have to look at this as some sort of relapse and not a permanent stage in my life, it’s a cycle which will always keep turning. It’s finding the tools to keep plodding on. Lets hope my quest for happiness works out.
Get it together girl, keep swimming.