I’ve wanted to write this post for so long, I’ve just had to think of a way that I could express my own feelings without hurting anyone. As you can tell from the title this post is all about growing up, nuturing your own personal growth and doing whats best for you. By doing these things, it can sometimes result in changes in your life. These may be positive for you, but negative for others and it can be seen as selfish. Please note you are never selfish for doing what is best for you.
For example; as you readers will know, 2019 was a tough one for this Drama Queen. I was feeling shitty, wasn’t enjoying many things and in all honesty was distancing myself from my friends. I’m in no way blaming my mental health for distancing myself from my friends, in fact it was more to do with me as a person than it was mental health. I just didn’t have the energy to participate in pointless conversation twenty four seven. I found it draining to even send a snapchat answering simple questions, I just wasn’t myself. My friends had noticed changes within me, I wasn’t the same bubbly girl sharing memes or jumping into a dramatic chat as usual.
Around Summertime last year, I went through a shit ‘break – up’ (I wouldn’t even call it that LOL.) and it left me feeling lost. Not because I’d lost someone I loved. Far from that. Lost because this person changed me. Changed me in ways I never thought would happen. I hated myself for so long. Pain does change people and my friends didn’t understand that because I never told them about the feelings I was experiencing. I kept myself to myself about it all as a way of coping. I didn’t want any judgment from anyone. I’m not saying that ‘I’m the only person in the world who would go through heart break or feeling shit’, I’m simply saying that people deal with things differently. I chose to distance myself from everyone. Including my closer friends.
In October I realised that all of the moping around needed to stop. I was being such a Negative Nancy and it was literally gross. With the new year coming up, I knew that that was the perfect time to make a change. I needed to grow up, channel my emotions into happy things and start living my life. Something that so many people would love to do but never got the chance. I started by leaving my ‘girly’ group chat and in all honesty, it’s been the best thing I’ve ever done. Let me just say, I do not hate the girls and in fact they will always have a place in my heart and I do thank them for being there for me for the past three years. I now appreciate the break from having to feel like I had to reply or participate into a chat where I wasn’t particularly interested anymore. I think I had done a lot of growing up and as a result of that, I felt as though I’d outgrown the friendship. I’m sure this has happened for others too, it’s a natural process in life. There doesn’t have to be bad blood, it just happens and it’s not necessarily a bad thing.
As well as leaving a group chat, I deleted over 400+ people off my social media. I knew of the people but I asked myself “Would I speak to those people in the street? Do they actively add to my life?” When the answer was no, then I’d cut them from my social media. It seems harsh but I feel all the better for it. It’s like when you clear your wardrobe and make space for new clothes. A weight is lifted. I totally recommend it to anyone, it’s not exactly ideal when you’re trying to help your blog gain exposure but at the same time it’s nice to not have lots of people nosying. Plus social media is fake AF.
As we grow older, we do outgrow things. From outgrowing friends to things as silly as outgrowing television shows, we all grow and move on. It’s all part of a life. Since Octobers realisation – I’ve had more self growth in the part couple of months than I have before in my life. I feel so much more positive even when I’m stressed as fuck over nothing. LOL. That will always be me! I’m aiming to worry less and just let things slide…I have no time or energy for Drama or negativity. Wait? No Drama? Does this mean I have to change my name? OK..maybe a little bit of drama…but only minimal instances.
2020 is all about me learning to love myself and I’m well on the way, especially with the new confidence Ricky & Bianca (Bubbies) have given me. I’m constantly reminding myself that I have to be grateful for what I have and I really am too blessed to be stressed. This year is going to be a year of happiness, I have my cousins wedding, a trip to Disney Paris and hopefully have more upcoming adventures with someone who really does make me laugh and reminds me of what I was like before all of the shit. I’m grateful for that.
Right now, I am beyond happy. I know I deserve it after thinking I didn’t for a while. What happens if any drama or conflict comes my way? Well in the words of Miss Erika Jayne – “How many fucks do I give? None, not one, zero, zero, zero, done”
Peace & Love Hoe Bags,