Well hasn’t this been a while. I’ve not really paid much attention to this blog with having so much going on. I started DDQ Apparel, moved houses, got myself a maaaaaan and I’m planning for the future. With the future comes discussions and sometimes it’s hard discussions. Something I have had to emotionally go through today.
I am writing this in a bid to hold myself publicly responsible for my own actions. This is not for sympathy (especially not pity) and certainly not for attention. As many of you know, this blog is a place for me to express all the feelings and thoughts that go through my head. This may not be appropriate, but its how I am handling things. Putting certain subjects and thoughts out there is allowing myself to be shamed into making a change. This has to happen.
This will come as no surprise to those who know me, but I love to shop or as I call it treat myself. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this unless you go completely overboard every time like me. Some would call it self care to treat themselves and I agree. It gives you a small amount of pleasure for about ten minutes before the guilt and regret synchs in. Regret because you have spent your money on materialistic crap that you don’t need and now you have £10 in your bank and have ran up credit card debt. You’re then stuck. Stuck in debt.
Let me tell you how all of this started. It started from being very naïve about money. I have never been a good saver and money always burnt a hole in my pocket, it still does. I am full of anxiety and happiness when I have money in the bank and immediately have to get rid of it, to then experience the high of buying something new to then the come down of the realisation I am broke. I first applied for a credit card when I realised I couldn’t afford to keep paying for train tickets every weekend to go and see my boyfriend at the time. I would pay for the ticket (around £26.00 per weekend) and then pay it off once I got paid the next month. This was working out great…until I was being advertised products on social media, the internet, TV basically anywhere. I decided to buy myself an Apple Mac book. I figured this would be useful for my work (which it was) and I could transfer details easily from my iMac to my Mac book. This was a completely unnecessary purchase as I had a perfectly good HP laptop which was only a few months old. But oh no, Abbie George has to have the most aesthetically pleasing looking laptop a girl can find. Buying this made it harder to keep on top of payments, of course. Such a silly move and I can see that now that I am not standing for it anymore. The amount of people reading this and shaking their heads would be correct. It is so mortifying how impulsive and slap dash I am with money.
After the Mac Book incident, I struggled with paying it off and chose only to complete minimum payments. This went on for a while, still to this day and I would say it has been about a year maybe two. I had convinced myself that it would be good to get a credit card and keep on top of payments as Martin Lewis advised it would be good for credit scores…but I couldn’t be trusted and somehow thought of it as this magic card in which I could present at the check out and buy anything I wanted too (not exactly there was a limit). How wrong was I. I spent and spent, I wanted to gift other people all the time, go to restaurants because I couldn’t be arsed cooking, treat myself when I was feeling down about the debt etc…it is a vicious cycle.
I have this bad habit of checking my bank everyday. On average, I would say I check it five to ten times a day and every time, its the same. Secretly, I’m hoping some magic money fairy will come and take that minus sign away…but of course, that will not happen. It is up to me to make that disappear. A lot of the time I push the thought of it to the back of my head and pretend it doesn’t exist. This helps me to forget about it for a few hours but in those hours I’d most likely spend…so it is no use. This debt weighs on me so heavily because I’m not one to want to be in trouble. I used to shit myself if I ever did something wrong at school. I am morally a good person. I do not want to struggle and I do not want people to help me when I have created a negative situation. I am sure lots of people will be in way more debt than I am, 100%. In fact, in the grand scheme of things I imagine mine wouldn’t be that much however without a job…it’s a lot.
Aside from the fact of holding myself publicly responsible and shaming myself into paying this horrible burden off, I wanted to write this as a farewell from Social Media. I know, I know. You’re thinking bloody hell again…girl you’re on and off more than a light switch. I think the same lol, I’m a mess. This time I think its really important for mental health (as always) but to stay away from shopping. The amount of advertisements I get that are targeted and I click them to put something in my online shopping basket is unreal. It is no wonder I am in debt. I am deleting both Facebook, Instagram & Twitter (Twitter isn’t so bad but there are still sponsored posts) as well as all my shopping apps on my phone. I am proactively unsubscribing to shopping newsletters and looking to work on my willpower as I currently have none.
Whilst on Social media, I also have the habit of comparing my life to others and that cannot continue. It sucks the happiness out of you and I know others do it too. Another good reason to get off Social Media until I am strong enough and secure enough to cope with that.
This post is serious and even though it may sound self deprecating, it is true what debt can do. I wake up worried, I go to sleep worried. Don’t get me wrong I have a great family who support me but I know that this is my own doing and responsibility to make this better. if anyone takes anything anyway from this personal post, its that credit cards are not fun. They’re real and can be damaging if not in the hands of a sensible person. Movies glamourize this. I mean look at Isla Fishers character in ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’.
She ends up in tons of debt but like every Hollywood Movie she magically gets it all sorted within one hour and thirty minutes. Life isn’t a Hollywood Movie. You do NOT need that bag or those shoes, you do not need to impress people on social media, you do not need to brag or go to fancy restaurants. You just need to be happy and contrary to what I used to believe, Money doesn’t achieve happiness.
I am incredibly scared to post this but I know its for the best and I know I will help people and myself. Credit card debt averaged at £2241 per household and £1184 per adult this year according to The Money Charity. I know I am not alone. I know that I have made silly decisions and I also know people are way worse off.
If you have made it this far, thanks for reading my rants and stupidity. I appreciate your support at these uncertain times. Fingers crossed I will become employed soon and can tackle this shite as soon as possible.
Big up to HMRC who have hit me with a tax bill – love yas xoxo
I will smash it…eventually.