Hello Anxiety, My Old Friend

This week has been tough. Don’t get me wrong I have had lots of fun but my brain has been full to the brim. As if it’s a constant carousel that never stops turning. To be honest, it has been a busy week with lots of change and plans so I’m not surprised my brain is having a bit of a meltdown. Normally I am used to being spontaneous and don’t religiously plan much but as we have had Craigs mum staying over, we had planned more things to do and rightly so.

We attended a pub quiz, ate out at Albert Schloss, saw ‘Everybody’s talking about Jamie’, ate out at The Alchemist where Craigs mum met my mum for the first time, had fun at Bingo and that’s about it! Now it doesn’t seem a lot to the average Joe but to me, this was huge. I am constantly overthinking and double checking in my head that others are okay or comfortable whilst forgetting to look after myself. I often feel selfish for voicing the fact that I need to rest even when it looks like ‘I haven’t done anything’. I’m seen as being lazy, which I can be at times but when I am tired due to anxiety or stress, I have to rest my brain not my body. Does anyone else get like this?

I have also really been struggling with temptation but stayed really strong. I feel like an addict at the moment but I guess it’s a process of just learning to be more mindful. As I live in the city centre of Manchester, I am constantly around shops where I can spend money. Luckily, I no longer have a credit card so any money I do spend is mine. However, I don’t need to spend. I just feel like I want too but know that I will regret it for the ten second high you get upon purchasing that new bag or shoes. Constantly suppressing the urges takes up so much mental energy its crazy.

Craig took his mum to a concert on Friday night and I’ve never been more grateful for ME time. I immediately jumped at the opportunity to have a relaxing bath, watched tv, shaved and cleansed (I love anything to do with skin care) and I played around an hour and a half of my game ‘Life is Strange’. I really enjoyed myself and it was just the right amount of time without feeling lonely. I sometimes hate being on my own due to that but this time I was ready to be left. Earlier in the day I had cleaned the house from top to bottom as a way to suppress my brain which was doing overtime. I do that quite often and even yesterday, I used baking as a way to take my mind off of my anxiety.

I’m still in a routine of taking my anti-depressants so hopefully all will be back to normal soon, but after being reminded about regular reviews of medication at the doctors, I have now booked myself in because it is important that I look after myself and listen to my body/brain. That is when it isn’t playing tricks on me. Craigs mum reminded me that just because medication worked at the beginning doesn’t mean it can’t stop working, it’s about trial and error to see what works for the individual. Hopefully more can be done to finally let me off this carousel.

Things will get better and I am positive about that.

Enjoy your week huns, I hope it is successful and brings you happiness.

DDQ XO

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