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DDQ’s Christmas Gift Guide 2020

With what a shite year that 2020 has been, what better way to end the year than to have a banging Christmas?! Of course, Christmas is all about spending time with loved ones and having fun but that’s not to say that presents don’t enhance the whole experience. Who doesn’t love a gift?!

Here you’ll find my ultimate girly gift guide, with ideas for that special woman in your life. The guide does indeed include NuSkin products as I am a affiliate however other items will be included and noted which I sell and which I don’t. Should you wish to find out more information about the NuSkin products, please message me or leave a comment and I can provide anything you would like to know and the discount codes accordingly.

GIFTS FOR HER

ageLOC LumiSpa Beauty Device Face Cleansing Kit

Affiliate – all Nuskin products have discount on them!

If you’re looking for a beauty tool for thorough, gentle cleansing, look no further. The ageLOC LumiSpa, Nu Skin’s rechargeable, waterproof beauty device, provides exactly that and is incredibly easy to use and maintain.

Within the kit you get:

• ageLOC LumiSpa Device

• ageLOC LumiSpa Silicone Head – Normal

• ageLOC LumiSpa Activating Cleanser – You can choose which suits your skin best via a skin quiz. The options are; Oily, Blemish Prone, Sensitive, Normal to Combination skin.


This cleanser is formulated with a blend of algae and plant extracts that will leave your complexion clear and refreshed, as well as our famous ageLOC ingredients to target the visible signs of skin ageing at the source. The Silicone Head and Activating Cleanser make great use of the device’s unique dual-motion movement, but this isn’t just what makes it so effective. Gently massaging these ingredients into the skin, it feels great too. Use it for just two minutes, twice per day, and turn every skincare routine into an at-home spa experience with visible, clinically-proven results that you’re sure to love.

I can honestly say I absolutely love the LumiSpa! I have had amazing results, it’s the perfect addition to any spa night or perfect for when you’re feeling a little stressed. Although it may be on the expensive side..it’s an investment in my eyes. Who doesn’t want a spa facial treatment from the comfort of their own homes. You know what the best part is? It’s discounted for Christmas and it has 2 years full warranty!! That’s confidence in a product.

Moschino Minature Collection 2020

Available at Superdrug for £20!

Doesn’t every girl love perfume? I love this little set of minis and let me tell you the Teddy Bear perfume is unreal! A full bottle is £60/70 so this gift set is perfect.

What I really love about mini sets is, is that you can decide which perfume you like best without fully committing to 100ml. Minis are also a staple for your handbag.

£20 for this is an absolute bargain! Especially as it’s designer!

NuSkin Lip Plumping Balm

Affiliate – All NuSkin products have discount on them!

We all love the look of fuller lips. With this lightweight, hydrating lip plumper from Nu Colour, getting that plumped effect for yourself is easier than ever.

It glides on smoothly, bringing a refreshing sensation and a subtle hint of colour while leaving your lips feeling moisturised and smooth, with none of the uncomfortable stickiness you might experience with traditional lip balms. Perfect to use alone or as a base beneath your favourite shade of POWERlips Fluid, Nu Colour Lip Plumping Balm will bring your soft, plumped lips to life in an instant.

Say goodbye to filler and hello to a painless lip balm. A perfect stocking filler too!

River Island Silk Pyjamas

Available at River Island for £22

What’s more perfect than getting into your new PJs on Christmas night? NOTHING. Relaxing after your huge dinner is a must and trust me, a gal can never have too many pyjama sets.

This set is totally giving me Hugh Hefner vibes crossed with elegant lady of the manor. Very dynasty era and I’m here for it loves. River Island are usually quite expensive when it comes to clothing but these are a total bargain at £22! Snap these up before it’s too late!

NuSkin Powerlips

It’s no less than powerful women deserve, and it’s no less than they’ll get from POWERlips Fluid. In one easy step, you’ll find look-defining colour fit for any outfit, time or place. POWERlips Fluid takes just a single, one-step application to leave your lips cushioned, soothed, and smoothed, with an intense look that won’t smudge or transfer. With 18 matte and metallic tones to choose from, there’s a shade for every woman to rock her look and rock the world. Seriously powerful. Simply wow.

A bold statement lipstick is always on the cards for me, I simply can’t do without it. There’s nothing like commanding a room wearing this. Love them!

Large Chocolate Dipping Adventure

Available at Hotel Chocolat for £35

OMG! This is a chocoholics dream! Imagine being cosied up on a dark winter night sharing this in front of your favourite film with your family, friends or partner? Absolute vibes and I’m sure it would make a great Instagram picture lol.

I personally think all of this for £35 is a really good price for luxury chocolate. A present that can be great for the whole family!

NuColour Professional Makeup Brush Set

Affiliate – all NuSkin products are discounted

Perfect for use with all powders and liquids, Nu Skin’s collection of professional makeup brushes is a must-have for makeup users of all types, from beginners to the experts themselves. You’ll find six essential brushes in this collection, all carefully crafted with soft, synthetic bristles, designed to deliver just the right amount of product for a seamless blend and smooth finish:

  •  Powder
  •  Foundation
  •  Blush
  •  Eyeshadow
  •  Blending
  •  Eyebrow

In short, you’ll find everything you need to easily perfect your look, no matter your style, brought together in one handy, high-end collection. Everyone needs this set in their bags.

STYLPRO X ASOS EXCLUSIVE Beauty Fridge

Remember when Mini Fridges were a thing of the early 2000’s when we all loved Groovy Chick and playing Dream Phone?? Well now they’re back and made specifically for your beauty products.

I love this idea and it’s great for storage too. After a hot bath I’d love to add cold moisturiser to my face and just relax. This is guaranteed to be a must for every beauty lover.

Dyson Supersonic™ hair dryer copper gift edition

Available at boots for £299

Yeeesh, now I know £299 is insane…but so is the time spent drying hair for girls who were blessed with thick hair. Drying my hair takes me about an hour to fully dry every inch but with this dryer it would take so much less time. Did I plant this on the list as a hint? Maybe…but I do think again that this is a gift that is an investment and I know the ladies will be with me on this one.

It’s fast drying with no extreme heat and comes with a storage bag. A lovely gift set that protects the hair.

AP 24 Whitening Fluoride Toothpaste

Affiliate – all NuSkin products come with discount

There’s no better feeling than the confidence that comes with a beautiful smile, and that’s precisely what you’ll get with AP 24 Whitening Fluoride Toothpaste. This Nu Skin favourite gently lightens teeth, helps pre¬vent cavities and fights the formation of plaque, while its gentle, vanil¬la mint formula freshens breath for that long-lasting clean, just-brushed feeling. If your teeth are stained, darkened or soiled from various foods, tobacco, or drinks, AP 24 Whitening Fluoride Toothpaste will remove the stains and return your teeth to their natural colour.

I have had clients purchase this from me and they have said it has changed the colour of their teeth within two weeks of using and their mouth feels cleaner. The Vanilla taste also tastes nicer than most toothpastes.

This toothpaste is a great stocking filler with its discounted price!

Yay you made it! That’s all in my gift guide..so far. I could sit here and list everything that I love or want but unfortunately ain’t nobody got time for that. Hopefully this has helped you shop for the ladies in your life or at least given you some ideas.

Remember to contact me if you are interested in any of the NuSkin Products as I can always get you a better price.

If I don’t post before Christmas, have a lovely time with your families and friends. I wish you an amazing time and New Year.

Love always,

DDQ XO

Featured

She remembered who she was, and the game changed.

I hate quotes. I hate those people on Instagram that post quotes that somehow mean nothing to them, especially those random ones that were supposedly said by Marilyn Monroe. Yet here I am, sharing a quote as the first post of my new blog. Crazy huh?! Guess you could now say I’m one of those annoying motivational people…without the motivation.

Those of you who know me will know that I used to blog on Saving for Chanel, that was my primary fashion blog where I ripped the shit out of celebrities for wearing ugly clothes. I hardly made time for it, and I guess you could say I’ve grown up. Not that I don’t love fashion anymore, I just feel as though we should build each other up rather than tear each other down. However, it was all just my dry humour and that will never stop.

So, what’s this new blog about you may ask? This is my place. A place where I can talk about what I want and leave it open to discussion with the general public. A place where I can share my feelings, and hope that some of you too can share yours. Being open and honest really helps me figure things out, it’s sort of a therapy. The name ‘Diary of a Delusional Drama Queen’ comes from my online Penzu journal which I did consider making public, however I would be in serious trouble with certain people and code names just aren’t my thing. As mentioned above, here I will show you my life, talk about how I’m feeling, maybe talk about what’s going on in the world. Just anything and everything. Some may find this boring, but for me it’s therapeutic.

Now as for my relation to this cringey quote. Over the past few months I hadn’t been feeling myself, I’m not going to go into too much detail about why as I respect people and do not drag people through the mud no matter how much they hurt me. Long story short, I was put down and made to feel small. A bubbly confident girl like myself lost her shine and most definitely my closest friends could see it. It took me five months to realise what had been happening and I’d lost my self confidence, something that I knew I had a lot of. Realising that something was not right, I made positive changes and changed my outlook. Right now, I’m glad to say that I’m on the right track. I’m not 100% there but I will be. In fact, I have contacted Thinking Ahead which is a counselling program in the UK. They deal with anxiety and depression (something that I’m no stranger too, I plan on blogging about this) as well as other things like grief counselling and self worth classes. I’m not afraid to say that I will be seeing a counsellor, talking and especially journaling really helps me articulate my feelings and if I can help other people whilst I am doing those things then all the better. Onwards and upwards folks, life will get better.

I have lots of exciting things coming up including a Dubai trip for work and seeing the iconic Queen Cher. I literally cannot cope! It’s going to be amazing. Here will be the ups & downs of my life, and I hope you can join me on this journey. I’m really open to audience participation too, so if you have things you’d like me to discuss email delusionaldramaqueen@gmail.com.

So the point of this first blog post was to introduce you to it, see if you liked the vibe and also for me to express my feelings because boy do I have a lot. I’m an emotional mess haha! But guess what, I’m remembering who I was before I felt so low and I’m definitely on my way back.

Again, I hope you can join me on my crazy journey throughout life! It’s hard being a human!

Sending lots of love and positivity to those out there who need it. My inbox is always open.

All the best,

ABS XO

I even cut off all my hair to make me feel better, and I do. It’s amazing what a change in look can do.

Side note; my opinions are my opinions. I know others will differ and I love that! Opening discussions and debates are my fave.

A Serious Reality Check

Credit Card for Different Stage in Life | InsideINVEST

Hey guys,

Well hasn’t this been a while. I’ve not really paid much attention to this blog with having so much going on. I started DDQ Apparel, moved houses, got myself a maaaaaan and I’m planning for the future. With the future comes discussions and sometimes it’s hard discussions. Something I have had to emotionally go through today.

I am writing this in a bid to hold myself publicly responsible for my own actions. This is not for sympathy (especially not pity) and certainly not for attention. As many of you know, this blog is a place for me to express all the feelings and thoughts that go through my head. This may not be appropriate, but its how I am handling things. Putting certain subjects and thoughts out there is allowing myself to be shamed into making a change. This has to happen.

This will come as no surprise to those who know me, but I love to shop or as I call it treat myself. Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this unless you go completely overboard every time like me. Some would call it self care to treat themselves and I agree. It gives you a small amount of pleasure for about ten minutes before the guilt and regret synchs in. Regret because you have spent your money on materialistic crap that you don’t need and now you have £10 in your bank and have ran up credit card debt. You’re then stuck. Stuck in debt.

Let me tell you how all of this started. It started from being very naïve about money. I have never been a good saver and money always burnt a hole in my pocket, it still does. I am full of anxiety and happiness when I have money in the bank and immediately have to get rid of it, to then experience the high of buying something new to then the come down of the realisation I am broke. I first applied for a credit card when I realised I couldn’t afford to keep paying for train tickets every weekend to go and see my boyfriend at the time. I would pay for the ticket (around £26.00 per weekend) and then pay it off once I got paid the next month. This was working out great…until I was being advertised products on social media, the internet, TV basically anywhere. I decided to buy myself an Apple Mac book. I figured this would be useful for my work (which it was) and I could transfer details easily from my iMac to my Mac book. This was a completely unnecessary purchase as I had a perfectly good HP laptop which was only a few months old. But oh no, Abbie George has to have the most aesthetically pleasing looking laptop a girl can find. Buying this made it harder to keep on top of payments, of course. Such a silly move and I can see that now that I am not standing for it anymore. The amount of people reading this and shaking their heads would be correct. It is so mortifying how impulsive and slap dash I am with money.

After the Mac Book incident, I struggled with paying it off and chose only to complete minimum payments. This went on for a while, still to this day and I would say it has been about a year maybe two. I had convinced myself that it would be good to get a credit card and keep on top of payments as Martin Lewis advised it would be good for credit scores…but I couldn’t be trusted and somehow thought of it as this magic card in which I could present at the check out and buy anything I wanted too (not exactly there was a limit). How wrong was I. I spent and spent, I wanted to gift other people all the time, go to restaurants because I couldn’t be arsed cooking, treat myself when I was feeling down about the debt etc…it is a vicious cycle.

I have this bad habit of checking my bank everyday. On average, I would say I check it five to ten times a day and every time, its the same. Secretly, I’m hoping some magic money fairy will come and take that minus sign away…but of course, that will not happen. It is up to me to make that disappear. A lot of the time I push the thought of it to the back of my head and pretend it doesn’t exist. This helps me to forget about it for a few hours but in those hours I’d most likely spend…so it is no use. This debt weighs on me so heavily because I’m not one to want to be in trouble. I used to shit myself if I ever did something wrong at school. I am morally a good person. I do not want to struggle and I do not want people to help me when I have created a negative situation. I am sure lots of people will be in way more debt than I am, 100%. In fact, in the grand scheme of things I imagine mine wouldn’t be that much however without a job…it’s a lot.

Aside from the fact of holding myself publicly responsible and shaming myself into paying this horrible burden off, I wanted to write this as a farewell from Social Media. I know, I know. You’re thinking bloody hell again…girl you’re on and off more than a light switch. I think the same lol, I’m a mess. This time I think its really important for mental health (as always) but to stay away from shopping. The amount of advertisements I get that are targeted and I click them to put something in my online shopping basket is unreal. It is no wonder I am in debt. I am deleting both Facebook, Instagram & Twitter (Twitter isn’t so bad but there are still sponsored posts) as well as all my shopping apps on my phone. I am proactively unsubscribing to shopping newsletters and looking to work on my willpower as I currently have none.

Whilst on Social media, I also have the habit of comparing my life to others and that cannot continue. It sucks the happiness out of you and I know others do it too. Another good reason to get off Social Media until I am strong enough and secure enough to cope with that.

This post is serious and even though it may sound self deprecating, it is true what debt can do. I wake up worried, I go to sleep worried. Don’t get me wrong I have a great family who support me but I know that this is my own doing and responsibility to make this better. if anyone takes anything anyway from this personal post, its that credit cards are not fun. They’re real and can be damaging if not in the hands of a sensible person. Movies glamourize this. I mean look at Isla Fishers character in ‘Confessions of a Shopaholic’.

BBC Two - Confessions of a Shopaholic

She ends up in tons of debt but like every Hollywood Movie she magically gets it all sorted within one hour and thirty minutes. Life isn’t a Hollywood Movie. You do NOT need that bag or those shoes, you do not need to impress people on social media, you do not need to brag or go to fancy restaurants. You just need to be happy and contrary to what I used to believe, Money doesn’t achieve happiness.

I am incredibly scared to post this but I know its for the best and I know I will help people and myself. Credit card debt averaged at £2241 per household and £1184 per adult this year according to The Money Charity. I know I am not alone. I know that I have made silly decisions and I also know people are way worse off.

If you have made it this far, thanks for reading my rants and stupidity. I appreciate your support at these uncertain times. Fingers crossed I will become employed soon and can tackle this shite as soon as possible.

Big up to HMRC who have hit me with a tax bill – love yas xoxo

I will smash it…eventually.

DDQ XOXO

2019 – Thanks but No Thanks.

I’ve only gone and bloody made it! A whole year of up’s and downs and I’m still here to live to tell the tale of a basic bitches “New Year, New Me’.

2019 has been the year I learnt a lot about myself, I’ve experienced issues with body confidence, lost friends, felt my heart break and learnt how to ‘boss up & change my life’ (Thanks Lizzo.) It’s so easy to slip into a negative outlook, just like I’m glad to see 2019 disappear however I’m truly grateful for the blessings this year has given me.

JANUARY 2019
After six short but gruelling months I left a job I truly hated. I was sold the dream of an amazing job in Business Travel and sure, it was Business Travel but it was essentially a call centre which I knew I didn’t want. Both the job and my mental health weren’t great at that time and it’s when I decided to leave that 2019 began. When I was really down, I was yet to know that my life would make a positive change.

FEBRUARY 2019
Down and depressed, I searched endlessly for job opportunities. This is one of the most difficult things for anyone these days. There are jobs you need experience for but no one lets you experience it before employing you?! I was stuck in a cycle of rejection for a good few weeks until a friend offered me the job opportunitiy of a lifetime. I was offered to work from home for a Dubai based events & entertainment company. Something like this doesn’t come your way every day, so of course I said I wanted in! From this I’ve met some incredibly talented and driven people, and experienced life in the Sand Pit twice. I mean who gets to go to Dubai on the regs?! Oh that’s right…me!

MARCH 2019
March brought the very much anticipated holiday to Gran Canaria with my hoe bag pal (He ain’t a hoe, its just how I show affection alright?) Ben. We had the best time. Ben experienced his first Carrie Bradshaw Cosmopolitan, I asked a German if he spoke German (Obvs ya thick shit) and we spent many a night cleaning out Super Dino of their Frexinet Prosecco to then have 80’s pop quizzes on the balcony. It is probably one of the best holidays I’ve been on, don’t think I’ve ever laughed as much as in my life. We stayed at the Radisson in Puerto Mogan, pure bliss for a chilled week away.

APRIL 2019
I took my first trip to Dubai in April. I’d been anxious about the impending trip for a while. Not because I had anything to be anxious about but more of the fact, I hated flying, had never been anywhere abroad on my own and never thought I’d get there. Just a few months earlier, I was feeling sick everytime I set foot out of the house so this was a kick ass achievement. I had an amazing time, I met my DXB work team for the first time, attended an awards ceremony, ate immense amounts of Nandos and shopped til I dropped. Oh I worked too… but not as much as I shopped LOL.

I also met one of the nicest girls out there, Georgina. Not to be cringe or anything but she is one of the most kick ass, no nonsense bitches I know. Definitely a blessing I met her. Oh and she totally bought me a Mario Badescu giftset and a ‘fuck you’ candle for Christmas, if that don’t say true friend then I don’t know what does.

MAY 2019
May was totally jam packed. I went to London for a little shopping trip with my brother, if ya didn’t know by now I literally visit other places to shop at the same shops we have here in Manchester. Lol. Then, Bridesmaids Dress shopping was on the cards for my cousins wedding in July 2020. We chose the exact ones we wanted and everybody is totally gonna style the shit out of them. Finally, I was asked to be Nellie Rae Cassidy’s God Mother. As if someone would ask me to be a God Mother?! I was shocked but totally grateful. I love little Nellie Noodles to bits, she’s definitely brightened all of our lives.

JUNE 2019
My brothers business Rainbow & Co. set up a stall at Blackpool Pride. I was eager to join and of course support a community that means so much to me. I did my makeup perfectly with the new Morphe Pride palette, stuck on some purple lipstick and was ready to shine. Funny story is, when we arrived it was pissing it down, we were situated in what can only be described as a tesco carrier bag tent near the sea and it was windy as hell. I rang my Dad crying and got a lift home from Blackpool, leaving my Mum and Brother to continue to sell in the rain. Soz folks, this Drama Queen cannot deal with a bit of rain.

JULY 2019
July was a wake up call for me, I left a shitty relationship after having enough of the back and forth over the previous months. We were on and off more than a feckin light switch. After I left, I realised I needed to have a total new outlook on life so I did the break up bob. New haircut, new life and I felt super empowered to conquer all. Girls it’s true, a ‘Shampoo press’ really does get them out of your hair. July wasn’t all bad, in fact, Delusional Drama Queen was born. The blog that has helped me through so much and I’m truly grateful to have.

AUGUST 2019
Yay! The month I officially became Nellie’s God Mother. It was such a lovely day, the sun was shining and everyone scrubbed up right well. After the God Squad talk was over, we went back to my cousins for the after party and let me tell you, pouring wine into a pint glass is not big or clever. I drank a whole bottle of wine to myself without making the proper measurements and was hungover be 7pm that night. Wine headaches are the worst!

I also experienced Dubai again! This time I took a tour of the city, did some more shopping and sunbathed in 49 degree heat. For a casper like me, I’m surprised I even made it back to Manchester alive and not frazzled.

SEPTEMBER 2019
A lil trip to the Zoo and a stay over in Liverpool (my fave UK city) was in order. My brother loves the Zoo and I fancied it, so went along with him. I’ve decided I would like to own one of those little meerkats, they’re super cute but not as cute as the Tapirs. They’re lazy just like me. Total spirit animal. We also saw a monkey fully having a *Ham Shank* – I’ve never felt so violated at a Zoo.

We shopped like crazy in Liverpool (theres a common theme here) and the new Morphe store was open so I was absolutely hyped. We had a fab time.

*If ya don’t know what cockney rhyming slang is for Ham Shank. Google it, ya little eggplant*

OCTOBER 2019
Nellie Noodles turned one! I can’t believe how fast the year had gone, it only seemed like two minutes ago I was scared to hold her in the hospital in case I squished her head up. Ya know the little soft bit on a newborns head? Yeah rank. She’s now a sassy little diva just like her Mum and Auntie Abs. Love her.

October also brought me one of the best concerts of my life. Cher! A once in a lifetime opportunity and a Diva ticked off my bucket list. Easily the best part of 2019 for me. I really needed some fun and thats exactly what I had. My heart could burst with pride talking about Cher, so I’ll stop.

NOVEMBER 2019
The birth month of this Delusional Drama Queen. Where would ya all be without me? Best thank my Mam & Dad for creating a superstar. This birthday was super special, even though twenty two doesn’t seem a special age, I just felt showered with love. Work had sent cake & prosecco to my door, my friend sent flowers with a cute positive quote and I had lots of cards and presents. I was completely overwhelmed.

I also visited Alton Towers with my Best Friend and Brother. We had an awesome time and if you havent ridden on the new rollercoaster ‘Wickerman’ you need too. I was crying laughing I loved it that much.

DECEMBER 2019
IT’S CHRISTMASSSSSSSSSSS. Not only was it Christmas, it was the return of the Shipman/West family. No not Harold or Rose and Fred for those serial killer creeps out there. Gavin & Stacey of course! – I was super excited to watch this and loved it. Not as much as I thought I would but I definitely have missed seeing Miss Pamela Shipman on our screens. Oh and Nessa, tidy.

2020 PLANS
I’ve never been one to do the whole ‘New Year, New Me’ speech but this year I am and I don’t even care. I’m leaving negativity behind in 2019 as well as certain people and going into 2020 with a new lease of life. My new knockers will be here soon, as will some exciting stuff for this blog and the brand Delusional Drama Queen. Keep your eyes peeled guys.

I wish you and your familys a happy and successful New Year. Thank you to everyone who has supported me through this year, wouldn’t be anywhere without you.

Peace and love, hoe bags.

DDQ – Abs XO

My Thrupenny Bits – Part 2

Hey guys, I’m starting to get into this vlogging malarkey but will always find time to write, thats my true passion.

I’ve finally got around to filiming stages one, two and three of the MYA Cosmetic Surgery journey. This includes the first inital consultation, the meeting with the surgeon and the pre operative appointment. I’ve made this for girls who are thinking of getting this procedure done, however I’m sure future videos once I have had the surgery will be more educational. There is not a lot I can do right now except answer questions on what the process is like up until surgery.

Please watch the video below if this strikes your interest.

Thanks for watching the video. Not every video is going to be about the BA process, no way. It’s just currently what’s going on at the moment. I plan on having another video out before the end of the year, to look back on 2019. It’s good to look back at the ups and downs, and to look at what I am most grateful for.

Again, thanks for tuning in. More content to come!

Love, the Delusional Drama Queen, Abs

XO

This is a Woman’s World

Cherilyn Sarkisian, you have my whole heart and in all honesty, ‘All I really wanna do, is baby be friends with you’. That’s right folks! I will indeed fill this post with as many Cher related puns as I can because I damn well can.

The 24th October will certainly go down in history as one of the best nights of my life, the iconic Cher graced us with her prescence performing another concert. She’s had at least a decade of farewell tours but is back and performing as if shes never had a break! The woman is 73!! Her vocals were incredible and I feel so lucky to have witnessed it.

I’d been working in the day, and everytime I thought about Cher I literally got those excitment shits. Not to be crude but you all know what I’m talking about for sure. The butterflies just wouldn’t stop so I knew when the time to actually embark on our travels to Manchester Arena, I would feel totally sick. Sick in a nervous way. Outside of the Arena my heart was beating and I couldn’t ‘Believe’ I was going to be in the same room as Cher. Fucking CHER. I’ve loved her forever, and quite honestly I have no idea how she was introduced to me. My Mum had never played her, it was always ABBA in the car for us but I think Cher’s campness and theatricality called to the inner Drama Queen in me. Plus, lets be honest she does have some banging songs.

The show started with Paul Young (Yawn, the USA got Nile Roders & Chic for the supporting act. Gutted!), I literally had no idea who Paul was but as soon as I saw a grey haired man on the screen I though oh well lets give him a go. I have a thing for silver foxes LOL. Let me tell you, I was totally wrong. Paul Young is a no go for me. The camera zooming in did not give me the Silver Fox I was looking for. God damn my Sugar Daddy obsession. Anyway, moving on. A montage of Cher filled the screen, documenting her life and career. At that moment, I felt incredibly overwhelmed. I’d already been an emotional mess that week (read The Desperation for Happiness post) so this was really making me cry. I just felt proud. Proud of her as a person. I don’t know the gal personally but I know that Cher does not believe in herself as much as you’d think. Hence the Oscar’s speech for ‘Moon Struck’ –

“I don’t think that this means that I am somebody, but I guess I’m on my way” – Cher 1998 60th Academy Awards

If Cher saw me crying what would she do? “She’d slap me and iconically say “Snap out of it!” LOL

Despite all of the fame and success, there lies an amazing, compassionate woman and thats what I admire her for most. Her love for the LGBTQ+ community, her hate for dickhead Donald and Bellend Boris and her feminism just make my heart full. I’d recently read that Cher last thought she was pretty in 1987, she literally is every woman in the world. A superstar like her has insecurites just like the rest of us, she’s relatable and even more so relatable to me as she has a trans child. I have a trans brother. (See post: How to be an Ally) I know to some degree how she felt.

As a youngster, she never fit in with her family. She is half Armenian and didn’t look like her Mother or Sister, she felt like an outsider and it wasn’t until Sonny came along helping her become a star that she realised she was someone special.

After my teary outburst, Cher appeared in a daring, electric blue wig singing “Womans World” hanging from the ceiling done in true Cher style. Iconic. All night I sang my heart out to classics such as; Strong Enough, Believe, Shoop Shoop Song, Walking in Memphis, I Found Someone, I Got You Babe (With an on screen Sonny Bono!) and of course Turn Back Time. To end the show she performed Believe, and guess what? I cried. Of course it was upsetting to know the incredible show had come to an end but I was again overwhelmed. Any Cher song has the ability to cheer me up and after this past few weeks I needed it.

Just recently, as you know I haven’t been feeling myself and lost all self worth. I just didn’t believe in myself but hearing Cher sing sort of reignighted the fire inside of me. Cringe, I know. I hate when people say shit like that but it’s true. She’s my hero and she wouldn’t sit moping around, waiting for the depression to further sink in. She’d get up and perfom to the best of her ability. If Cher is 73 and can perform every couple of nights then I’m sure 21 year old me can muster up enough energy to live my life.

Below I’ve linked the Canadian version of the show, purely because my videos have me singing for my life in the background and I honestly thought I could hold a tune…that evidence says otherwise. Those who say “I’m not bad at performing Cher’s Shoop Shoop song when I’m pissed” are liars! Instilled false confidence in me, LOL.

Please note: This is not my video. Outfits are slightly different also.

Cher, you are my absolute hero and I thank you from the deep pits of my black heart for making me realise that I should ‘Believe’ in myself and that I am ‘Strong Enough’ to get through any battle, especially the daily one that goes on in my mind. I love you so much. I’ve always got you babe.

Lots of love,

Your biggest fan, the Delusional Drama Queen.

The Desperation for Happiness

Here we are, back to square one. Only this time, the anxiety has faded and the voices of not being good enough have returned. I’ve sort of come to terms with the fact that this is me set for life, the amazing ups and the unbearable lows. That’s just how I’m supposed to live life right? I’ve not formally been diagnosed with depression but I have with anxiety. Let’s go back to the start.

Earlier this year, I was anxious. Constantly anxious. It got so bad that I had to quit my extremely stressful and pressured job, had two panic attacks in Victoria Station and vomitted on the train platform. The best decision I made was to quit my office job, a job where they said they offered support to those who suffered with mental illness. LOL. That was a joke. Anyway, I quit and it was the right decision to make. I’d been given medication from the doctor, Fluoxetine to be exact. I was instructed to take them once a day and surely ended up having to take two a day just to live my life without feeling the need to be sick when in uncertain surroundings. The thing is my house was my safe zone, but I noticed that I began to feel ill in my own home. I was no longer safe. The tablets had awful side effects for me (they’re different for everyone), I couldn’t sleep and I lost my appetite and as a result looked the best I had done body wise. However, I was unhappy. I was offered counselling and figured it was a waste of time with the six month plus waiting list. I managed to get myself out of this mind set, I have no idea how but the opportunitity of working for a Dubai based events company came about and literally stopped me moping about.

So as I said to begin with, I’m back to square one however not with anxiety, it’s more of an unwavering sadness. Just weight on my shoulders, and feeling heavy with myself. My self worth is at an all time low, I won’t lie, it’s awful and disgusting the way I think of myself. I’ve never felt like this before about myself, people who know me will find it odd. I’m usually the most confident, and bubbly person, full of wit and cracking people up with my beltin’ banter but for some reason it’s fading. I always pride myself on having quite thick skin too but recently, every single thing is hurting me. If someone says “You’ve got a spot on your face” I will literally cry. When did I become such a snow flake? Ah, that’s right. I’ll tell you when I did. About a few months ago when I put up with someone constantly putting me down, I didn’t realise this at first but it happened. As a result, I’m much more fragile. By thinking the worst of myself because of what others have previously said I am damaging myself by looking for happiness out of desperation.

You know how people say, “It won’t always be like this.” – Myself included, I no longer believe that. I feel like it’s drilled into my brain that this is how I am and how I’m supposed to live life. After a few meltdowns this week (Not just a little cry, I mean serious pouring my heart out until it hurt my chest, trying to keep quiet as not to alert anyone crying) I had an epiphany. (Side note: is that the right word? Epiphany? Lol, sounds like Kim’s baby from Kath & Kim. Shout out to the Day-Knight family who keep me laughing.) The eureka moment came from browsing Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. That’s right, shes on every dating sight possible and I’ll tell you for why now. I’d been on these apps to find happiness, I’d talk to someone lovely for a week or so and then become ‘bored’ ultimately wasting this persons time. Awful, I know but I wouldn’t have been able to stop this without my epiphany. I realised that I had been so desperate to be happy that I was looking for it in all the wrong places, I had to look at myself before looking to make anyone else happy.

Happiness starts within myself and I’m hoping to find it. Counselling is set up for me, to help with previous events that have triggered this self loathing I have at the moment. I’m hoping this is just a phase however I’m not sure, this chemical imbalance is a lot and it’s hard to cope with. In fact, I’m crying now LOL. Of course I am. I’m a bag of shitty emotions. I feel so silly talking about this as I know every one has up’s and downs, like what makes mine any different to anyone elses? There are people out their dying and I have a life. I’d tell myself to suck it up but I can’t. I try and I can’t. It’s one of the hardest things in my life I have had to cope with and will forever have to cope with.

Blogging really helps me process my feelings, whether anyone reads this or not, I don’t actually mind. It’s helping me cope with the weight and I’m sure other people feel like this too. I struggle majorly with staying positive however I have put the right steps forward in order to help myself. I’m really lucky to have a support system in my friends and family too, some others don’t have that. I am grateful. For those who don’t have this, I’m always available to talk. I know how it feels and how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning when you feel like there is no point. Please do not keep the feelings in, I tried that and it hurts more.

I am so desperate to find happiness and to feel myself again. I have to look at this as some sort of relapse and not a permanent stage in my life, it’s a cycle which will always keep turning. It’s finding the tools to keep plodding on. Lets hope my quest for happiness works out.

Get it together girl, keep swimming.

Abs

XO

How to be an Ally: A personal connection

I figured it would be quite apt for me to write this post, as Manchester Pride has just passed (May I just point out I wrote this post whilst I was in Dubai, about a month ago. Oops.) I should have wrote this before hand but never got the time, hey ho all that matters is that I am writing it. I think this post is important, important to show others acceptance and love.

Being so involved with the LGBTQ+ community, I often get questioned or judged. Questioned as to why I am so passionate about the rights and equality this community deserves but also judged by those who do identify with this community as I do not. I am not gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans. I identify as straight however I do have a personal connection to the community and feel as though I want my voice to be heard for those who cannot fight.

My brother identifies as a gay, trans man. For those who do not know, transgender is when an individual has transitioned from female to male or vice versa. In my brothers case, this is female to male or FTM for short. I could not be prouder of him. There are a lot of feelings around this, and I’m choosing to blog about it because I know I am not apart of the only family in the world to have experienced this. This will also help those who’s family members come out in the future.

Just before I tell my story, I need to point out that this is my opinions and my part of the story to tell. I cannot speak for my brother nor any other family members and I do have the permission from my brother to post.

I’m not sure of the exact date of when my brother came out to my mum but it was around 2005/6 when he was 14/15. I was only young, 8 or 9, and don’t remember much, I just remember my mum coming into my room and sitting down with me on my Barbie bed spread…(Yes I was nine and yes I was totally into Barbie. SO WHAT), she’d come to tell me that my then ‘sister’ was becoming my brother and that we would call him AJ. Short for his full name Adam Jack. At first, I cried. I cried for a long time and I’m not sure if this is because I was confused about the situation or because I was worried about my friends judging me. It was a mixture of both but I was a child. I never ever did not accept him or his decision, I love him and would never disagree with his decision on how to live his life. At the end of the day I would rather have a brother who is enjoying life than a ‘sister’ who is unhappy and depressed.

To begin with I struggled with pronouns as I’m sure everyone would. Going from ‘She’ to ‘He’ was a big thing in our family and we all struggled. However, we would always correct ourselves. A lot of people who experience this go through stages of grief, as if they have lost someone which to a certain extent they have. A Mother will have lost their daughter. For me, I don’t think of this as losing a sister, more of gaining a brother. I’d always wanted an older brother, maybe because my cousin who I’m closest to, Charlotte, had an older brother and I wanted to be just like her when I was young. Now I have a brother, a brother who is happier in himself and appreciates life more.

Let’s move onto the shock value. Within my family, there wasn’t any. This whole thing didn’t come out of the blue, it was more of a “okay, this is happening and we shall roll with it” and I’m grateful for that. Having a sister for me was not like your stereo typical ones who share clothes, gossip about boys, and shop together. Oh no, it was far from that. Adam liked football, wore mens clothing and preferred anything stereotypically boy-ish. We never had that close-ness that ‘sisters’ would. We argued like cat and dog, mainly because I was annoying and young. God damn Louise for not getting a move on and leaving a seven year age gap between the two of us!

The reaction was actually very good from our family and to my knowledge nobody had issues with calling said person now “AJ’ or “Adam”. Like I mentioned before pronouns were difficult to get used to but one day it just all clicks and you forget this even happened. It’s true, I don’t find myself thinking about it often only when it is brought up by others or my family.

I am unbelievably proud of Adam, he’s faced horrendous bullying and knock backs with anxiety but he still continues to shine. Yeah, pass me the sick bucket. When he reads this he’ll be like “Woah, Abbie can be nice. She does have a heart” LOL. I’m even more proud of my family for being so accepting. Families often get left out of the process when a huge change like this happens especially within the media. They focus on the person who is transitioning (Of course they will because this is the person going through the hardest process) but it does affect the family too. It causes confusion and worry, I know for sure my Mum worried about surgeries and just wanted him to be happy. I’m super happy to report that he did achieve this.

Adam has been on this journey for fourteen years, he is happier within himself and gives back to his commuity every day. He owns Rainbow & Co. which is a LGBTQ+ Apparel internet store, and he gives a portion of his profits to a charity which helps LGBTQ+ people. Throughout summer he has attended the majority of local pride events to build a better community and a bigger business for himself with the help of my mum. Whilst I’m on the subject of our mother, the good ol’ Louise Pemberton, I would just like to give her recognition. Since this life changing decision with Adam, my mum has joined ‘Manchester Parent’s Group’ which is a non-profit group that helps the parents and families of LGBTQ+ youth. This group has been a huge support to my mum and I’m truly grateful for it, and I’m even prouder of my mum for giving back to the community too and helping other parents in similar situations to her.

A lot of people will see this as a bad thing to happen, “you lost someone’ blah blah – it is not a bad thing. Having this happen in my life has opened me up to so many things. I’ve met people who I wouldn’t ‘normally’ have done, I’ve become more compassionate and it’s allowed me, to completely be myself even when I’m being a little bit extra LOL. Without this happening there would be no Rainbow & Co. , most likely no acknowledgment of the Manchester Parents Group and no charity work from us. So this has made an impact, for the greater good.

I’m now going to list some tips for being a good ally as I do believe I am one, not to to lick my own nip haha.

  • Listen. Do everything you can to listen. Someone who is going through transitioning or even just having a struggle will want to talk. Just be quiet and understanding. Many people in the LGBTQ+ family don’t have accepting families so this will mean the absolute world.
  • Challenge hate. Before you do this check your surroundings. If there is immediate danger to you and the person, do not challenge. But online, challenge it or if someone makes a passing comment, call them out. We will not get anywhere if people let this shit slide.
  • Ask questions. Rather than make mistakes and call someone the wrong name, or label them why don’t you simply ask them nicely. For example; if you’re unsure of someones pronouns ask them. This will mean a lot to them. If you’re struggling to understand, ask them. Please do bare in mind when you are being rude, do not ask about previous names, do not ask about surgeries. It’s rude. Let them tell you and if they don’t, then its none of your business.
  • Educate yourself. Know your LGBTQ+ history. Google Stonewall, Google iconic LGBTQ icons. Educate yourself on the struggle this community has had and is still having. Be the change and the difference!
  • Give back. Give back to the community. Attend prides, show your solidarity. Buy merchandise. Attend rallies. Do your bit to protect a community that shares so much diversity and individuality to the world. Without the LGBTQ+ community, the world would be a little less brighter.

Remember these things and always remember to be a decent human being. Love will always conquer my dears.

Visit rainbowandco.uk for your LGBTQ+ Merchandise. (Not an Ad, just a good sister.)

Best wishes,

Abs

XO

Let’s talk about my ‘Brad Pitts’…

Hey guys! As you may have noticed these blog posts aren’t going to be regular, they’re going to be shared as and when I feel like posting. Like I’ve said before, this is my diary and I’m choosing to share the parts of it that can be publicised. Others cannot, as if you know me you know that I’m extremely opinioted and swear like a sailor. This blog aims to be a little more ‘PC’ as you can tell from the title.

So, this post leads me to let you in on this exciting journey I’m about to embark on. Before I do go into detail I want to make the same disclaimer as I do on every post. This is not for attention but for educating purposes. There will be women everywhere who feel the same as me and will want to follow this journey, just like I have stalked and followed theirs for months. I have done extensive research into cosmetic surgery / breast augmentations and know the risk. The MYA Clinic in Manchester have been fabulous and provided a pack full of information. Something I will go into on a new post when the time comes.

Below is a quick video to explain what has been happening…

As stated in the short video, I will go into more detail about things if people would want me too, I’m not sure about the vlogging as I prefer to write too, so I will most likely write about my experience. Since filming this video in Dubai I have booked the surgery date and decided to go for ‘New Year, New Boobs’, January 15th cannot come quick enough. I’m booked in at the First Trust Hospital in Preston, and I know a few women who have had theirs done at this hospital by Mr Traynor and they have all had fabulous results.

I know in myself that I have made the right decision for me, as this is only my decision to make. Nobody elses and I am empowered by that. Stay tuned for more updates on the boob journey! Only 4 more months to go!!

“If I want to put my tits on my back, it’s nobody’s business but my own” – Cher 2002.

An open letter…

This weeks post is a little out of the ordinary. The topic this week is mental health, something I am very familiar with and struggle with daily. However, sat here writing this I feel positive. I’m in Dubai, working and exploring on my days off so life at the moment is great. Unfortunately, life can’t always be like that and earlier this year my old friend anxiety made it’s way back into my life. Today I’ve decided to share a letter I wrote to my family, to help them understand how I was feeling and to help me too. If you hadn’t already noticed I find writing therapeutic.

Before I do share this letter with you, I would like to point out that this is not for sympathy nor attention as some people may think. I am sharing this in hopes that if anyone feels the way I did, that they talk to someone, maybe write about it or get the help they need. Life can be lonely, and I never want people to feel that way. My inbox is always open to anyone.

How true is this?…It’s time for people to understand.

The Letter:

To those it may concern,

I feel alone. In a room full of people, I feel alone. It’s confusing to feel that way, when you’re surrounded by family and friends but still feel a dark cloud and a weight on my chest. A weight that pushes so hard, I feel I can’t breathe sometimes. It’s suffocating. I have nothing to worry about but I still feel so down, I’m confused by it all. It’s not fair. For someone so confident, I feel like I’ve lost my way and I’m not myself. Having the change of moods is exhausting. A few years ago I felt like this, whilst living with my Dad, you feel trapped and you can’t get out of it. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m tired of feeling poorly, I’m tired of being exhausted and tired of putting on a brave face when all I want to do is stay in the dark, under the covers, away from life. Yet on the other hand, I don’t want to keep feeling so lonely. There’s only so much people can say, or can do to help. Mindfulness has been hard to do, when I can’t even concentrate on something for more than thirty seconds. I have no interest in anything, I can’t even keep the attention to watch an episode on Netflix. I can’t sleep at night, for me that is the worst part. Irrational thoughts are possessing my mind. Thought’s that I don’t need to worry about but do every day. When employed, I couldn’t sleep due to making lists and having to worry about what I had to do the next day, now I shouldn’t have to worry but I do. Worrying is so tiring, I’m fed up of it but that’s who I am as a person. I know that and I doubt I can change. I care too much about everything. Like a post I shared on face book, I feel things intensely. When I’m happy, I’m hyper, smiling and laughing doing what I do best. Trying to entertain the troops with my sarcasm and witty comments but lately, I’ve lost that. It’s such a shame. I am stuck in thinking I’m going to be like this for the foreseeable future.

Whoever reads this, I’m not suicidal. I am far from that. Of course, I’ve thought about it. Hasn’t everyone? At some point in life, I’m sure everyone thinks about what life would be like without them. What would happen if I wasn’t here anymore? I could be out of the misery and not worry. Not worry about everything. Yet, I wouldn’t do that to my family. Never. I’m too much of a coward to ever consider it. 

This is a release of feelings. Everything I am feeling, I just need to put it down. Maybe this will help me. It’s so hard because I’m considered to be a drama Queen and I’d be the first to admit that that is true but this is not for attention. I wish it was because then it wouldn’t be real. This wouldn’t be happening to me. I always think I’m a strong person yet this is proving otherwise. I’m not. I’m a quitter, a flake, a let down to everyone. At least I can admit it. Lots of people experience Anxiety and Depression, I’m sure they feel the same way as me, it’s not easy. I have no motivation to do anything except what I have too. 

Quitting my job seemed like a good idea and it was in hindsight. I don’t have to worry as much yet I still feel down. The pressure of having to look for something else is just as bad. I want to work, I don’t want to let anxiety ruin my life because it’s making me hate it. Looking for employment in places you know it’s going to make the anxiety worse is ridiculous but we do what we have too to make ends meet. It’s a horrible cycle of negativity that I’m fed up of.

The only thing that seems to be keeping me going is my Grandma. Knowing I can see her in the week whenever I need her is the most comforting thing. She is an angel, and I need her more than she’ll ever know. The positive impact she’s had on my life is amazing, she’s looked after me since I was born and the relationship we have is so special. She’s my best friend. I’d be lost without her. She has the ability to love me and listen to my issues without judging. Always trying to find ways to help, but this time, she can’t. That’s what breaks my heart. 

It’s so easy for people who have never experienced this illness to judge you. To think you’re lazy (In some respects I am), to give you quotes on positivity, to say “pull yourself together” or “you’re so young, you shouldn’t be worrying”. It does not matter about your age, race or gender. Anxiety does not discriminate and eats you alive. I’ve tried focussing on the positives in my life, there are so many considering I have friends and family who listen, a roof over my head, food and clothes on my back. Yet all of this doesn’t seem to be enough to pull me out of this funk I am in. I am trying. I am trying so hard to ignore all the negativity in my head.

I’ve beat this once. Hopefully, I’ll beat it again. 

You got this Abs XO

Wow. That was deep, but you know what…look at me now. I’m in Dubai working and smashing life. I’d of never thought I’d of gotten here when I wrote this back in early Feb. At the time of writing that I was unemployed because I had to quit the job I was in due to ill mental health. Going into work every day, I would feel panicky and anxious. The reason was partly the companies fault but also anxiety in general. Right now, I am incredibly happy to report that I am feeling good and I’m employed! Of course, I feel anxious from time to time…especially flying!! but I feel like I have the correct tools to deal with it now. When I do feel like that it tends to take all of my energy and I like to just relax or even sit and write.

So, the point of this. To those who are anxious, depressed or lonely, I know it is a cliche but you are not alone and things do get better. Your life will be a rollercoaster of emotion because these things don’t just go away forever, they do return and that’s the scary part. Especially when they are illnesses you cannot see. It’s not like a scratch you can put a plaster over, it’s something you have to deal with and not let it ruin your life. You are worthy of a life just like everyone else. Reach out if you’re struggling.

Here are some links that I found helpful;

https://www.mind.org.uk

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/self-help-therapies/

https://www.thebiglifegroup.com/service/thinking-ahead/

Please do bare in mind these are UK help websites.

Finally, before I end the post there I would just like to give a special shout out to my Lady Maureen (My Grandma for those who do not know) she’s an absolute super star and I’d never be able to do anything as good without her. She is both Adam and I’s biggest supporter and we can speak to her about anything, she is the love of my life. I can’t wait to see her when I’m home.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate every single person who reads the blog.

Love to you all, especially those who need it the most.

Abs XO