The Desperation for Happiness

Here we are, back to square one. Only this time, the anxiety has faded and the voices of not being good enough have returned. I’ve sort of come to terms with the fact that this is me set for life, the amazing ups and the unbearable lows. That’s just how I’m supposed to live life right? I’ve not formally been diagnosed with depression but I have with anxiety. Let’s go back to the start.

Earlier this year, I was anxious. Constantly anxious. It got so bad that I had to quit my extremely stressful and pressured job, had two panic attacks in Victoria Station and vomitted on the train platform. The best decision I made was to quit my office job, a job where they said they offered support to those who suffered with mental illness. LOL. That was a joke. Anyway, I quit and it was the right decision to make. I’d been given medication from the doctor, Fluoxetine to be exact. I was instructed to take them once a day and surely ended up having to take two a day just to live my life without feeling the need to be sick when in uncertain surroundings. The thing is my house was my safe zone, but I noticed that I began to feel ill in my own home. I was no longer safe. The tablets had awful side effects for me (they’re different for everyone), I couldn’t sleep and I lost my appetite and as a result looked the best I had done body wise. However, I was unhappy. I was offered counselling and figured it was a waste of time with the six month plus waiting list. I managed to get myself out of this mind set, I have no idea how but the opportunitity of working for a Dubai based events company came about and literally stopped me moping about.

So as I said to begin with, I’m back to square one however not with anxiety, it’s more of an unwavering sadness. Just weight on my shoulders, and feeling heavy with myself. My self worth is at an all time low, I won’t lie, it’s awful and disgusting the way I think of myself. I’ve never felt like this before about myself, people who know me will find it odd. I’m usually the most confident, and bubbly person, full of wit and cracking people up with my beltin’ banter but for some reason it’s fading. I always pride myself on having quite thick skin too but recently, every single thing is hurting me. If someone says “You’ve got a spot on your face” I will literally cry. When did I become such a snow flake? Ah, that’s right. I’ll tell you when I did. About a few months ago when I put up with someone constantly putting me down, I didn’t realise this at first but it happened. As a result, I’m much more fragile. By thinking the worst of myself because of what others have previously said I am damaging myself by looking for happiness out of desperation.

You know how people say, “It won’t always be like this.” – Myself included, I no longer believe that. I feel like it’s drilled into my brain that this is how I am and how I’m supposed to live life. After a few meltdowns this week (Not just a little cry, I mean serious pouring my heart out until it hurt my chest, trying to keep quiet as not to alert anyone crying) I had an epiphany. (Side note: is that the right word? Epiphany? Lol, sounds like Kim’s baby from Kath & Kim. Shout out to the Day-Knight family who keep me laughing.) The eureka moment came from browsing Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. That’s right, shes on every dating sight possible and I’ll tell you for why now. I’d been on these apps to find happiness, I’d talk to someone lovely for a week or so and then become ‘bored’ ultimately wasting this persons time. Awful, I know but I wouldn’t have been able to stop this without my epiphany. I realised that I had been so desperate to be happy that I was looking for it in all the wrong places, I had to look at myself before looking to make anyone else happy.

Happiness starts within myself and I’m hoping to find it. Counselling is set up for me, to help with previous events that have triggered this self loathing I have at the moment. I’m hoping this is just a phase however I’m not sure, this chemical imbalance is a lot and it’s hard to cope with. In fact, I’m crying now LOL. Of course I am. I’m a bag of shitty emotions. I feel so silly talking about this as I know every one has up’s and downs, like what makes mine any different to anyone elses? There are people out their dying and I have a life. I’d tell myself to suck it up but I can’t. I try and I can’t. It’s one of the hardest things in my life I have had to cope with and will forever have to cope with.

Blogging really helps me process my feelings, whether anyone reads this or not, I don’t actually mind. It’s helping me cope with the weight and I’m sure other people feel like this too. I struggle majorly with staying positive however I have put the right steps forward in order to help myself. I’m really lucky to have a support system in my friends and family too, some others don’t have that. I am grateful. For those who don’t have this, I’m always available to talk. I know how it feels and how hard it is to get out of bed in the morning when you feel like there is no point. Please do not keep the feelings in, I tried that and it hurts more.

I am so desperate to find happiness and to feel myself again. I have to look at this as some sort of relapse and not a permanent stage in my life, it’s a cycle which will always keep turning. It’s finding the tools to keep plodding on. Lets hope my quest for happiness works out.

Get it together girl, keep swimming.

Abs

XO

How to be an Ally: A personal connection

I figured it would be quite apt for me to write this post, as Manchester Pride has just passed (May I just point out I wrote this post whilst I was in Dubai, about a month ago. Oops.) I should have wrote this before hand but never got the time, hey ho all that matters is that I am writing it. I think this post is important, important to show others acceptance and love.

Being so involved with the LGBTQ+ community, I often get questioned or judged. Questioned as to why I am so passionate about the rights and equality this community deserves but also judged by those who do identify with this community as I do not. I am not gay, lesbian, bisexual or trans. I identify as straight however I do have a personal connection to the community and feel as though I want my voice to be heard for those who cannot fight.

My brother identifies as a gay, trans man. For those who do not know, transgender is when an individual has transitioned from female to male or vice versa. In my brothers case, this is female to male or FTM for short. I could not be prouder of him. There are a lot of feelings around this, and I’m choosing to blog about it because I know I am not apart of the only family in the world to have experienced this. This will also help those who’s family members come out in the future.

Just before I tell my story, I need to point out that this is my opinions and my part of the story to tell. I cannot speak for my brother nor any other family members and I do have the permission from my brother to post.

I’m not sure of the exact date of when my brother came out to my mum but it was around 2005/6 when he was 14/15. I was only young, 8 or 9, and don’t remember much, I just remember my mum coming into my room and sitting down with me on my Barbie bed spread…(Yes I was nine and yes I was totally into Barbie. SO WHAT), she’d come to tell me that my then ‘sister’ was becoming my brother and that we would call him AJ. Short for his full name Adam Jack. At first, I cried. I cried for a long time and I’m not sure if this is because I was confused about the situation or because I was worried about my friends judging me. It was a mixture of both but I was a child. I never ever did not accept him or his decision, I love him and would never disagree with his decision on how to live his life. At the end of the day I would rather have a brother who is enjoying life than a ‘sister’ who is unhappy and depressed.

To begin with I struggled with pronouns as I’m sure everyone would. Going from ‘She’ to ‘He’ was a big thing in our family and we all struggled. However, we would always correct ourselves. A lot of people who experience this go through stages of grief, as if they have lost someone which to a certain extent they have. A Mother will have lost their daughter. For me, I don’t think of this as losing a sister, more of gaining a brother. I’d always wanted an older brother, maybe because my cousin who I’m closest to, Charlotte, had an older brother and I wanted to be just like her when I was young. Now I have a brother, a brother who is happier in himself and appreciates life more.

Let’s move onto the shock value. Within my family, there wasn’t any. This whole thing didn’t come out of the blue, it was more of a “okay, this is happening and we shall roll with it” and I’m grateful for that. Having a sister for me was not like your stereo typical ones who share clothes, gossip about boys, and shop together. Oh no, it was far from that. Adam liked football, wore mens clothing and preferred anything stereotypically boy-ish. We never had that close-ness that ‘sisters’ would. We argued like cat and dog, mainly because I was annoying and young. God damn Louise for not getting a move on and leaving a seven year age gap between the two of us!

The reaction was actually very good from our family and to my knowledge nobody had issues with calling said person now “AJ’ or “Adam”. Like I mentioned before pronouns were difficult to get used to but one day it just all clicks and you forget this even happened. It’s true, I don’t find myself thinking about it often only when it is brought up by others or my family.

I am unbelievably proud of Adam, he’s faced horrendous bullying and knock backs with anxiety but he still continues to shine. Yeah, pass me the sick bucket. When he reads this he’ll be like “Woah, Abbie can be nice. She does have a heart” LOL. I’m even more proud of my family for being so accepting. Families often get left out of the process when a huge change like this happens especially within the media. They focus on the person who is transitioning (Of course they will because this is the person going through the hardest process) but it does affect the family too. It causes confusion and worry, I know for sure my Mum worried about surgeries and just wanted him to be happy. I’m super happy to report that he did achieve this.

Adam has been on this journey for fourteen years, he is happier within himself and gives back to his commuity every day. He owns Rainbow & Co. which is a LGBTQ+ Apparel internet store, and he gives a portion of his profits to a charity which helps LGBTQ+ people. Throughout summer he has attended the majority of local pride events to build a better community and a bigger business for himself with the help of my mum. Whilst I’m on the subject of our mother, the good ol’ Louise Pemberton, I would just like to give her recognition. Since this life changing decision with Adam, my mum has joined ‘Manchester Parent’s Group’ which is a non-profit group that helps the parents and families of LGBTQ+ youth. This group has been a huge support to my mum and I’m truly grateful for it, and I’m even prouder of my mum for giving back to the community too and helping other parents in similar situations to her.

A lot of people will see this as a bad thing to happen, “you lost someone’ blah blah – it is not a bad thing. Having this happen in my life has opened me up to so many things. I’ve met people who I wouldn’t ‘normally’ have done, I’ve become more compassionate and it’s allowed me, to completely be myself even when I’m being a little bit extra LOL. Without this happening there would be no Rainbow & Co. , most likely no acknowledgment of the Manchester Parents Group and no charity work from us. So this has made an impact, for the greater good.

I’m now going to list some tips for being a good ally as I do believe I am one, not to toot my own horn.

  • Listen. Do everything you can to listen. Someone who is going through transitioning or even just having a struggle will want to talk. Just be quiet and understanding. Many people in the LGBTQ+ family don’t have accepting families so this will mean the absolute world.
  • Challenge hate. Before you do this check your surroundings. If there is immediate danger to you and the person, do not challenge. But online, challenge it or if someone makes a passing comment, call them out. We will not get anywhere if people let this shit slide.
  • Ask questions. Rather than make mistakes and call someone the wrong name, or label them why don’t you simply ask them nicely. For example; if you’re unsure of someones pronouns ask them. This will mean a lot to them. If you’re struggling to understand, ask them. Please do bare in mind when you are being rude, do not ask about previous names, do not ask about surgeries. It’s rude. Let them tell you and if they don’t, then its none of your business.
  • Educate yourself. Know your LGBTQ+ history. Google Stonewall, Google iconic LGBTQ icons. Educate yourself on the struggle this community has had and is still having. Be the change and the difference!
  • Give back. Give back to the community. Attend prides, show your solidarity. Buy merchandise. Attend rallies. Do your bit to protect a community that shares so much diversity and individuality to the world. Without the LGBTQ+ community, the world would be a little less brighter.

Remember these things and always remember to be a decent human being. Love will always conquer my dears.

Visit rainbowandco.uk for your LGBTQ+ Merchandise. (Not an Ad, just a good sister.)

Best wishes,

Abs

XO

Let’s talk about my ‘Brad Pitts’…

Hey guys! As you may have noticed these blog posts aren’t going to be regular, they’re going to be shared as and when I feel like posting. Like I’ve said before, this is my diary and I’m choosing to share the parts of it that can be publicised. Others cannot, as if you know me you know that I’m extremely opinioted and swear like a sailor. This blog aims to be a little more ‘PC’ as you can tell from the title.

So, this post leads me to let you in on this exciting journey I’m about to embark on. Before I do go into detail I want to make the same disclaimer as I do on every post. This is not for attention but for educating purposes. There will be women everywhere who feel the same as me and will want to follow this journey, just like I have stalked and followed theirs for months. I have done extensive research into cosmetic surgery / breast augmentations and know the risk. The MYA Clinic in Manchester have been fabulous and provided a pack full of information. Something I will go into on a new post when the time comes.

Below is a quick video to explain what has been happening…

As stated in the short video, I will go into more detail about things if people would want me too, I’m not sure about the vlogging as I prefer to write too, so I will most likely write about my experience. Since filming this video in Dubai I have booked the surgery date and decided to go for ‘New Year, New Boobs’, January 15th cannot come quick enough. I’m booked in at the First Trust Hospital in Preston, and I know a few women who have had theirs done at this hospital by Mr Traynor and they have all had fabulous results.

I know in myself that I have made the right decision for me, as this is only my decision to make. Nobody elses and I am empowered by that. Stay tuned for more updates on the boob journey! Only 4 more months to go!!

“If I want to put my tits on my back, it’s nobody’s business but my own” – Cher 2002.

An open letter…

This weeks post is a little out of the ordinary. The topic this week is mental health, something I am very familiar with and struggle with daily. However, sat here writing this I feel positive. I’m in Dubai, working and exploring on my days off so life at the moment is great. Unfortunately, life can’t always be like that and earlier this year my old friend anxiety made it’s way back into my life. Today I’ve decided to share a letter I wrote to my family, to help them understand how I was feeling and to help me too. If you hadn’t already noticed I find writing therapeutic.

Before I do share this letter with you, I would like to point out that this is not for sympathy nor attention as some people may think. I am sharing this in hopes that if anyone feels the way I did, that they talk to someone, maybe write about it or get the help they need. Life can be lonely, and I never want people to feel that way. My inbox is always open to anyone.

How true is this?…It’s time for people to understand.

The Letter:

To those it may concern,

I feel alone. In a room full of people, I feel alone. It’s confusing to feel that way, when you’re surrounded by family and friends but still feel a dark cloud and a weight on my chest. A weight that pushes so hard, I feel I can’t breathe sometimes. It’s suffocating. I have nothing to worry about but I still feel so down, I’m confused by it all. It’s not fair. For someone so confident, I feel like I’ve lost my way and I’m not myself. Having the change of moods is exhausting. A few years ago I felt like this, whilst living with my Dad, you feel trapped and you can’t get out of it. I don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m tired of feeling poorly, I’m tired of being exhausted and tired of putting on a brave face when all I want to do is stay in the dark, under the covers, away from life. Yet on the other hand, I don’t want to keep feeling so lonely. There’s only so much people can say, or can do to help. Mindfulness has been hard to do, when I can’t even concentrate on something for more than thirty seconds. I have no interest in anything, I can’t even keep the attention to watch an episode on Netflix. I can’t sleep at night, for me that is the worst part. Irrational thoughts are possessing my mind. Thought’s that I don’t need to worry about but do every day. When employed, I couldn’t sleep due to making lists and having to worry about what I had to do the next day, now I shouldn’t have to worry but I do. Worrying is so tiring, I’m fed up of it but that’s who I am as a person. I know that and I doubt I can change. I care too much about everything. Like a post I shared on face book, I feel things intensely. When I’m happy, I’m hyper, smiling and laughing doing what I do best. Trying to entertain the troops with my sarcasm and witty comments but lately, I’ve lost that. It’s such a shame. I am stuck in thinking I’m going to be like this for the foreseeable future.

Whoever reads this, I’m not suicidal. I am far from that. Of course, I’ve thought about it. Hasn’t everyone? At some point in life, I’m sure everyone thinks about what life would be like without them. What would happen if I wasn’t here anymore? I could be out of the misery and not worry. Not worry about everything. Yet, I wouldn’t do that to my family. Never. I’m too much of a coward to ever consider it. 

This is a release of feelings. Everything I am feeling, I just need to put it down. Maybe this will help me. It’s so hard because I’m considered to be a drama Queen and I’d be the first to admit that that is true but this is not for attention. I wish it was because then it wouldn’t be real. This wouldn’t be happening to me. I always think I’m a strong person yet this is proving otherwise. I’m not. I’m a quitter, a flake, a let down to everyone. At least I can admit it. Lots of people experience Anxiety and Depression, I’m sure they feel the same way as me, it’s not easy. I have no motivation to do anything except what I have too. 

Quitting my job seemed like a good idea and it was in hindsight. I don’t have to worry as much yet I still feel down. The pressure of having to look for something else is just as bad. I want to work, I don’t want to let anxiety ruin my life because it’s making me hate it. Looking for employment in places you know it’s going to make the anxiety worse is ridiculous but we do what we have too to make ends meet. It’s a horrible cycle of negativity that I’m fed up of.

The only thing that seems to be keeping me going is my Grandma. Knowing I can see her in the week whenever I need her is the most comforting thing. She is an angel, and I need her more than she’ll ever know. The positive impact she’s had on my life is amazing, she’s looked after me since I was born and the relationship we have is so special. She’s my best friend. I’d be lost without her. She has the ability to love me and listen to my issues without judging. Always trying to find ways to help, but this time, she can’t. That’s what breaks my heart. 

It’s so easy for people who have never experienced this illness to judge you. To think you’re lazy (In some respects I am), to give you quotes on positivity, to say “pull yourself together” or “you’re so young, you shouldn’t be worrying”. It does not matter about your age, race or gender. Anxiety does not discriminate and eats you alive. I’ve tried focussing on the positives in my life, there are so many considering I have friends and family who listen, a roof over my head, food and clothes on my back. Yet all of this doesn’t seem to be enough to pull me out of this funk I am in. I am trying. I am trying so hard to ignore all the negativity in my head.

I’ve beat this once. Hopefully, I’ll beat it again. 

You got this Abs XO

Wow. That was deep, but you know what…look at me now. I’m in Dubai working and smashing life. I’d of never thought I’d of gotten here when I wrote this back in early Feb. At the time of writing that I was unemployed because I had to quit the job I was in due to ill mental health. Going into work every day, I would feel panicky and anxious. The reason was partly the companies fault but also anxiety in general. Right now, I am incredibly happy to report that I am feeling good and I’m employed! Of course, I feel anxious from time to time…especially flying!! but I feel like I have the correct tools to deal with it now. When I do feel like that it tends to take all of my energy and I like to just relax or even sit and write.

So, the point of this. To those who are anxious, depressed or lonely, I know it is a cliche but you are not alone and things do get better. Your life will be a rollercoaster of emotion because these things don’t just go away forever, they do return and that’s the scary part. Especially when they are illnesses you cannot see. It’s not like a scratch you can put a plaster over, it’s something you have to deal with and not let it ruin your life. You are worthy of a life just like everyone else. Reach out if you’re struggling.

Here are some links that I found helpful;

https://www.mind.org.uk

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/self-help-therapies/

https://www.thebiglifegroup.com/service/thinking-ahead/

Please do bare in mind these are UK help websites.

Finally, before I end the post there I would just like to give a special shout out to my Lady Maureen (My Grandma for those who do not know) she’s an absolute super star and I’d never be able to do anything as good without her. She is both Adam and I’s biggest supporter and we can speak to her about anything, she is the love of my life. I can’t wait to see her when I’m home.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. I appreciate every single person who reads the blog.

Love to you all, especially those who need it the most.

Abs XO

She remembered who she was, and the game changed.

I hate quotes. I hate those people on Instagram that post quotes that somehow mean nothing to them, especially those random ones that were supposedly said by Marilyn Monroe. Yet here I am, sharing a quote as the first post of my new blog. Crazy huh?! Guess you could now say I’m one of those annoying motivational people…without the motivation.

Those of you who know me will know that I used to blog on Saving for Chanel, that was my primary fashion blog where I ripped the shit out of celebrities for wearing ugly clothes. I hardly made time for it, and I guess you could say I’ve grown up. Not that I don’t love fashion anymore, I just feel as though we should build each other up rather than tear each other down. However, it was all just my dry humour and that will never stop.

So, what’s this new blog about you may ask? This is my place. A place where I can talk about what I want and leave it open to discussion with the general public. A place where I can share my feelings, and hope that some of you too can share yours. Being open and honest really helps me figure things out, it’s sort of a therapy. The name ‘Diary of a Delusional Drama Queen’ comes from my online Penzu journal which I did consider making public, however I would be in serious trouble with certain people and code names just aren’t my thing. As mentioned above, here I will show you my life, talk about how I’m feeling, maybe talk about what’s going on in the world. Just anything and everything. Some may find this boring, but for me it’s therapeutic.

Now as for my relation to this cringey quote. Over the past few months I hadn’t been feeling myself, I’m not going to go into too much detail about why as I respect people and do not drag people through the mud no matter how much they hurt me. Long story short, I was put down and made to feel small. A bubbly confident girl like myself lost her shine and most definitely my closest friends could see it. It took me five months to realise what had been happening and I’d lost my self confidence, something that I knew I had a lot of. Realising that something was not right, I made positive changes and changed my outlook. Right now, I’m glad to say that I’m on the right track. I’m not 100% there but I will be. In fact, I have contacted Thinking Ahead which is a counselling program in the UK. They deal with anxiety and depression (something that I’m no stranger too, I plan on blogging about this) as well as other things like grief counselling and self worth classes. I’m not afraid to say that I will be seeing a counsellor, talking and especially journaling really helps me articulate my feelings and if I can help other people whilst I am doing those things then all the better. Onwards and upwards folks, life will get better.

I have lots of exciting things coming up including a Dubai trip for work and seeing the iconic Queen Cher. I literally cannot cope! It’s going to be amazing. Here will be the ups & downs of my life, and I hope you can join me on this journey. I’m really open to audience participation too, so if you have things you’d like me to discuss email delusionaldramaqueen@gmail.com.

So the point of this first blog post was to introduce you to it, see if you liked the vibe and also for me to express my feelings because boy do I have a lot. I’m an emotional mess haha! But guess what, I’m remembering who I was before I felt so low and I’m definitely on my way back.

Again, I hope you can join me on my crazy journey throughout life! It’s hard being a human!

Sending lots of love and positivity to those out there who need it. My inbox is always open.

All the best,

ABS XO

I even cut off all my hair to make me feel better, and I do. It’s amazing what a change in look can do.

Side note; my opinions are my opinions. I know others will differ and I love that! Opening discussions and debates are my fave.